Apparently, if you look on the internet and search for Jimmy Carr, it’ll tell you he’s a comedian. I’ve always thought of him as a cross between Linda Barker and a cardboard cutout. “Linda Barker you say!?! He’s nothing like her!!!” Well he is… once upon a time, you couldn’t move for Barker and her bloody grinning face… and now Jimmy Carr is filling her boots. He’d probably made some wooden glib comment about ‘filling her boots… with poo!” Har-de-harharrr.

Jimmy Carr is the constant fixture in a thousand Top 100 shows. Ruining perfectly rubbish clip shows with his ‘dead pan’ delivery… or should I say panned brain delivery. Top 100 shows are the perfect thing to watch with a hangover. They are filled with familiar things and raise enough bile to make you forget about that horrific feeling in your spleen. That is until Jimmy Carr appears… then you get the old suicidal tendencies.

Jimmy Carr has the amazing ability to ruin a perfectly good joke. Just around the death of Diana (the artist formerly known as The Princess of Wales) someone told me that they were off to her memorial to top the lake up with their tears. Crass, rude and pretty sick, it made me laugh all the same. A few years later, Jimmy Carr says it and… well… it’s just dull. Like the sound of one hand clapping in a humour vacuum.

His appearances on 9 Out of 10 Cats is actually enough to make me want to commit some grave and deadly crime. Sandwiched between Sean ‘Diet Jimmy Carr’ Lock and Dave ‘Always looks like he’s on the brink of tears’ Spikey, Carr flings our pointless one-liners that hit your ear and slide down the back of your neck like some smelly phlegm. Expect not as funny… and there’s nowt funny about being spat at.

Quite why anyone has employed this toad is beyond me. I can’t think of a single redeeming feature owned by this man… if he is a man at all. I fear that he was made in the same factory where they make wooden spoons for Ikea. What’s brought all this on? Well, recently I saw one of those Channel 4 things that has loads of talking heads on. Obviously they’ve all been asked ‘what is the best way to your heart?’. Jon Snow quips “Love…” the loathsome Davina McCall paps “Diamonds… … … … … help”, someone else says “alcohol”, someone else says “make fun of me” and then… last and least… Jimmy Carr says “through the rib cage…” Don’t tempt me you prick. [Mof Gimmers]