The show started with news that Andrew Lloyd Webber was “furious” about last week’s result, believing both Christeeth and Johndeep deserved to still be in the running to become America’s Next Top-- oh, sorry, Joseph. Two Josephs were to go this week, which meant two sing-offs (sings-off?) and two would be saved by The Lord.

They started out with a rousing version of “Go go go, Joseph” and then launched - well, I say launched, it was more like drifted - into the performances of great pop songs by male artists to show that they had stage presence and star quality.

First up Seamus is bored, yes bored, of references to his age. He’s sung backing with Shakin’ Stevens (who sent him a good luck message) and Rod Stewart, you know! A bit of respect! His performance of Start Me Up was shouty. There wasn’t anything particularly wrong with it, I didn’t think, but I didn’t like it. Probably because I don’t like him, the cocky sod. Judge Bill Kenwright said Seamus doesn’t know how good he is and he’s not arrogant, he’s scared. Wow. What a startling judge of character. Denise Van Outen agreed with me - cocky. Andrew made a good point - if Seamus is so great, and he’s 35, why isn’t he a star already? 

Lovely Lewis did I Saw Her Standing There and made me smile. I don’t care whether he wins this or not (even though he will) - Lewis is a star. Denise said he was great, but needed to stand up straight and Andrew criticised his delivery of the start of the song (it’s “She was just 17, you know what I mean” not “She was just 17, and you know what I mean.”).

Rob the Builder (apparently he’s only 24 - must’ve had a hard life) sang Pretty Woman. I do like him, but I don’t see him in the West End. He’s more of a variety show performer, for me. Maybe he could be in the West End, but in one of those greatest hits shows with all the Popstars rejects and people out of Hollyoaks. John Barrowman said Rob was confident, but he isn’t sure his raw talent will hold up.

Antony sang Patience and the high bits in the chorus were absolutely excruciating. It’s such a shame because the rest of the time his voice was great. He still doesn’t show any emotion, barely any acting, at all, but he’s disturbingly sexy (disturbing for me, I mean, since I’m old enough to be his mum). John said he sounded like he was howling wolves in from Alaska. Presenter Graham Norton went to Vocal Coach Zoe Tyler and said, “Awful - is that fair?” and she said, “Yes.” Poor Antony.

Christeeth accompanied Tell Her About It with some random clapping that the mic picked up and it was out of time. His vocal was lovely, but I wasn’t convinced by the performance - no acting to speak of. John reckoned he’d bounced back from last week’s sing-off, but was still a little tentative.

Ben sang Life Is A Rollercoaster and it was another nothing performance. His voice doesn’t impress, the song wasn’t very special and it was just ... meh. Bill reckoned he’d cracked it and he was cool. John said it was clear that he loves to perform and it was his best performance. It probably was, but the best of a bad bunch.

Have I been missing something? Daniel said that he’d understudied Russell Watson in War of the Worlds and been on several tours - have they mentioned that before? Last I heard he was doing data input at a concrete company. His performance of The Lady Is A Tramp was effortlessly confident and charming. Denise thought it was polished and Bill said he nailed it.

Lee did I Don’t Want to Talk About It beautifully, though it was another understated performance - I'd like to see him really go for it. But he and Daniel are streets ahead of the rest. Denise pointed out that he went flat a couple of times, but that he’s an absolute superstar. Perfection, said Bill.

At this point, I couldn’t remember who was left, which doesn’t bode well for them. It was Keith and Craig.

Keith did Crocodile Rock. His voice is gorgeous and he had some nifty dance moves too, but his expression is blank and his eyes look scared. John thought it was fantastic, but his dancing wasn’t up to scratch. Denise thought he was great and his dancing was fine.

Craig sang Signed, Sealed, Delivered and it was a great performance ... if he was in a boyband. He’s just too average for Joseph. The judges all thought he was good, but, like his performance, their comments were bland.

Craig and Antony were in the sing-off, which was probably fair since Antony’s vocal was dreadful and Craig’s performance was boring. Craig got the lowest votes from the viewers. Cruelly, they were made to perform Everything I Do. Antony sounded great and looked like he was feeling the song, Craig was insipid and could have been singing anything. I was desperate for Andrew to save Antony, but the berk - sorry, Lord Berk - saved Craig. Yawn.

Ooh! Two “evictions” meant two “Poor Josephs” - and, oh my god, Antony's was the best one yet. It made me cry and gave me palpitations.

In the results show and, after a VT (oh yeah, I’ve got the lingo) of the boys going to see We Will Rock You (which could have been considered blatant advertising except for the fact that it looked dreadful), they performed One Vision together.

This week’s mission was to try the loincloths for size and perform a scene - wearing them - for their mums. Their mums! Some of them did brilliantly, some forgot the lyrics. They’re not difficult lyrics - I know them! (I’m not saying I could perform them in a loincloth, but, you know, I don’t have to.) Andrew said they thought the boys would be tougher than the Marias, but they’re not - they’re always snivelling.

Seamus and Ben were in the second sing-off and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. I was fine with Ben, but does Seamus’s arrogance trump Craig’s dullness? Seamus got the lowest votes overall. They did He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother and it was fabulous. I couldn’t have chosen between them - I’m no fan of either, but they were both brilliant and made me cry (full disclosure: I’d had two glasses of wine at this point). I think I would have saved Seamus despite his personality, but Andrew disagreed with me and saved Ben, who hasn't yet exhibited a personality.

Do you know, I felt a bit bad for Seamus until Graham asked him for his thoughts and he said, “The words conspiracy theory spring to mind.” The idiot. And then he changed the words of Close Every Door To Me from "I have been promised a land of my own" to “I have been promised a show of my own” and then took some obnoxious bows. Interestingly, whereas usually the outsted Josephs are surrounded and hugged by their disappointed rivals, Seamus was left alone. Clearly none of the others will be sorry to see him go.

I know I’m a cheese-freak, but the way they chose to end this show has enriched my life, seriously. I am loving Any Dream Will Do.

Any Dream Will Do: BBC One, Saturday 5th May at 7.45pm and 9.45pm

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