Saturday night saw the first of Any Dream Will Do’s live elimination shows. Of the remaining 12 contestants “only one can be Joseph and ultimately that decision is down to you.” Yes, you.

It really is the campest show since Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Or Changing Rooms. The Josephs wore the multicoloured coats pictured, Denise Van Outen wore a sequinned gold dress and drag queen make-up, and Lord Lloyd Webber sat on a throne. 

The Josephs opened the show with a group performance of Any Dream Will
Do, unsurprisingly. It was very professional and polished, but there
wasn’t much passion or joy on display. They ended with the “Give me my
coloured coat, my amazing coloured coat” refrain, which is, like, so
true – they really do all want that coloured coat.

Rob, a builder from Rotherham with no singing experience, was out first
performing Summer of 69 (they’d each picked the songs they thought would best show off their abilities). He sounded off-key to me, got some of the
lyrics wrong and alternated between looking like he was having the time
of his life and like Tom Cruise on Oprah’s sofa (i.e. demented). John
Barrowman called him a rough diamond.

Lee (formerly "dark curly guy") was next singing Mack the Knife. His
smooth performance probably benefitted from following Rob’s more
hysterical one, but Mack the Knife is so karaoke it’s hard to make it
special. It was a competent performance, but it didn’t wow me. Bill
Kenright said he was a star.

(I suppose I should mention that they’re also looking for a school
choir, because they’re probably going to bang on about it. If you’re
interested at all, the details are here.)

Lewis (the floppy blond guy Denise fancied) performed Faith. He looks
the most Joseph-esque. The blond hair, the cheekbones, plus he’s young
(17) and attractive ("David Beckham with a voice," John said),
but his performance didn’t do anything for me. Denise was disappointed,
but I’ll be very surprised if he doesn’t win.

Apart from John, none of the judges supported Ben, so he had a lot to
prove. He sang Johnny Be Good which I can’t stand so it’s hard for me
to comment. It was a good performance, but, you know, blah. John
reckoned he pushed it to the limit (in a good way).

Craig is a cabaret singer and he performed Try A Little Tenderness …
like a cabaret singer. In fact, do you remember the Saturday night
variety shows of the ‘80s? It was like Joe Longthorne with the Brian
Rogers Connection. John said his nerves got in the way of his
performance.

Johndeep said in the auditions that his family had never heard him sing
and that musical theatre isn’t exactly an popular career in the Asian
community. I had high hopes for Johndeep and I loved his performance
(of Is There Any Justice). I still don’t think there was much
connection with the song, but he put in the first passionate rendition of the night. John’s comment that it was bland caused
Denise to gasp in horror and Vocal Coach Zoe Tyler to quip that he needed to get back
into his Tardis.

Seamus (Sideshow Bob) is the oldest contestant at 35. The other
complained about him last week because he’s training to be a singing
teacher and was bossing them around and, to be fair, he does seem a tad
on the arrogant side. He sang I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking
For with a sort of simple look on his face. It bored me. John said it
blew him away and Denise found it exciting to watch.

Antony is the youngest at 17. He sang I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing,
dedicating it to his girlfriend in the audience (who wept throughout)
and yet he still managed to sing it as if he was singing his shopping
list. John and Denise both loved it and Antony is pretty charismatic in the group numbers.

At a crossroads in his life, Chris C went to church and a complete
stranger told him, “Follow Joseph.” She was obviously taking the piss,
because he was the worst so far by a long way. Singing This Love, he
seemed really nervous and his vocal was weak. Also he looked a little
bit creepy. Denise said he looked a bit young and he’d need to get on
the protein shakes before donning the Joseph loincloth.

Daniel works in data-entry for a cement firm, the poor sod. He reminded
me a bit of Will Young. He sang You Give Me Something and managed to
retain his composure with some bird in a purple lace dress fondling
him. When he embraced her at the end he was looking over her shoulder
where, unfortunately, we could see Lloyd Lloyd Webber looking pained.
It was a very assured performance and the best after Johndeep. Denise
said he made her heart beat a little bit faster. Bill said he has far
and away the best voice in the competition (cue shot of the other
Josephs looking put out). Lloyd Webber said he didn’t feel any
connection with the song.

Chris B has the brightest teeth I’ve ever seen. His performance of
Walking in Memphis seemed pretty effortless, but apart from his teeth,
nothing beamed out at me. John said he has star quality.

Keith has a touch of the Gollums about him, bless him. He’s got a
really strong voice, but singing Crazy Little Thing Called Love his
eyes were blank. John said it was “pure dead brilliant”, Denise said he
was a theatrical ball of fire and Zoe called him her little singing
sizzler. I’m missing something, obviously.

My problem with these performance is the same thing that bothers me
about a lot of modern music (just call me "Grandma") – Where’s the soul?
Where’s the passion? Have any of them actually thought about what
they’re singing or are they too busy thinking about themselves? I was
disappointed in almost all of them. After all the tears of the previous
two shows, I thought there’d be more desire on show.

There was a break of just 10 minutes before the results show, which
featured Jason Donovan talking about his experiences as Joseph, back in
… gah … 1991. Where does the time go? Then there was a group performance of Luck be a Lady Tonight, which was actually rather fab. More show tunes please.

Then, and with much less stalling than some other reality shows (unless
they were just running out of time and it’ll be excessive pausing
a-go-go next week) Ben and Chris C were in the bottom two. Presenter Graham
Norton revealed that Chris C received the lowest votes from the public, which
I was heartened by because his was the worst performance.

Ben and Chris C then had to “sing-off” Bridge Over Troubled Water
(which all of them had learned in anticipation and Lloyd Webber chose
because it’s a good story-telling song) for Lloyd Lloyd Webber’s final
vote. Ben made the line "when tears in your eyes I will dry them all"
seem threatening rather than comforting (what the hell’s he going to dry them with? A flamethrower?).
While Chris C was singing Ben looked like he was doing Joey Tribbiani’s
smell-the-fart acting. Chris C looked frightened to death, but seemed
more committed to the song. Following a standing ovation (which was
probably deserved since it may have been the best overall performance
of the night), Lloyd Webber saved Ben.

And then the piece de resistance. Following the remaining Josephs
taunting Chris C in song with “poor poor Joseph what you gonna do?” Chris had
to sing Close Every Door To Me (because the door to Joseph’s closed to
him, obviously). And if that wasn’t cruel/brilliant enough, the other Josephs
stripped him of his multicoloured (shattered) dreamcoat. It was my
favourite bit of the entire show. Between the shadenfreude of the remaining Josephs, the grief of the
ousted Joseph and the genius of making them perform it at all, it was
the most genuinely emotional bit of the evening. Seriously, if they’re
going to do that every week I’m going to be one happy little reviewer.
Whoever thought to end the show like that should be knighted for
services to cheesy TV.

Any Dream Will Do: BBC One, Saturday 21st April at 7.25pm and 9.50pm

Any Dream Will Do Week 1 | Week 2