“Many have auditioned, but there can be only one Joseph.”

The search continues for a lead for a(nother) revival of Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat. (Last week Graham Norton tickled me by referring to Lord Andrew Lloyd
Webber as “The Lord”. This week he called him the Maestro and so I will
do the same. I thank you.)

Last week 50 men were chosen to attend “Joseph School” – a course of intensive training “to sort the men from the boys” (yes, the cliches persist too)

You didn’t forget the three boys who went to visit the Maestro
for a second chance, did you? Overruling the judges, Webber put two
through. The stocky one with tufty hair and the skinny one with long
hair. I can’t actually remember the third one, so no loss there.
Stupid-haired Irish Nick wasn’t impressed, thinking the boys should
have accepted the judgment of, well,the judges. Apparently, the judges
felt the same way.

Joseph School featured singing lessons, “movement” lessons – dance was
too ambitious, they just had to walk in time with the music – and
acting, all held by the judges: John Barrowman, Denise Van Outen, vocal
coach Zoe Tyler and Producer Bill Kenright. The standard was mixed -
some were professionally trained, others had little or no singing
experience at all. The Josephs, I mean, not the judges.

In fact the acting and movement were so chronic that they brought the
Maestro in to help. And he brought in Jason Donovan. Jason told the
potential Josephs to be themselves (or something equally redundant) and
then sang Any Dream Will Do, proving that, even though he was a great
Joseph (I know, I saw him more than once), every other bloke in the
room (apart from Webber and Graham Norton) had a much better voice
than him. Webber announced that half would be cut that very day and
then – on that bombshell – buggered off.

All 50 Josephs had to perform for the judges again, utilising what they’d
learned at Joseph School so far. One guy quit, saying he didn’t think
theatre was for him – he worked that out after just one day at Joseph
School? For some reason the Josephs started singing directly to Denise
Van Outen – holding her hand, going down on one knee, gazing into her
eyes – it was horrible. Although I did love the moment John Barrowman’s
mouth dropped open and he looked like he wanted them to sing to him
instead.

Shaun – the guy who takes care of his disabled mother – was last to
perform. 49th funnily enough. Hang on. There were meant to be 50. The
Maestro put two extras through and one guy quit. The numbers don’t add
up, do they? Anyway, Shaun made a right pig’s ear of his performance
and then it was time for the cut, which was fabulously dramatic…

While the Josephs all stood singing Close Every Door To Me, John
Barrowman walked among them. If he tapped you on the shoulder, the door
would indeed close on you. FOREVER! Despite his great voice, the
obligatory fat bloke was cut. Of course. The stocky, tufty-haired,
Maestro-botherer was out too and cried his little eyes out.

The remaining 25 – sorry 28, because, yes, half of 50 is 28, isn’t it
- were wrecked by the stress of the cull. Lovely Shaun stayed.
Stupid-haired Nick. The cute Asian guy whose family have never heard him sing. The blond who Denise fancies.
The skinny long-haired Maestro-botherer. Sideshow Bob. The black
guy Webber found at the gospel choir. And my favourite, dark-haired,
curly guy. I really wish they’d put their names up on screen more
often.

Apparently the following day a further eight would be cut, leaving 20
(or, you know, a number in that general region) to go through. That cut
was done with a simple(ish) “You could be Joseph” or “You’re not
Joseph”. Skinny long-haired bloke? Not Joseph. Stupid-haired Irish
Nick? Not Joseph! I actually gasped. They’ve focussed on him throughout
so I though he was definitely going through to the live shows. Shaun?
Also not Joseph. Which is a shame because he was such a sweetie.

The judges couldn’t decide on the final place so they forced the two
poor buggers to have a “sing-off” in front of the Maestro. No pressure
then. The choice was apparently between intelligence and exuberance and
exuberance won as, of course, it always should. Barrowman obviously
thought that was the wrong decision. Frasier (intelligence and, apparently, shamelessness) begged and
cried and had the judges in tears. I love these judges. They’re really
emotionally invested and that makes a huge difference to the viewer.
(Unlike the appropriately named Ice Panel … yes, I’ll stop going on
about them soon.)

The remaining 20 – 20! – were flown to Ireland to perform in the
village theatre “at the foot of Andrew’s castle” for the purpose of
winnowing out a further eight.

Finally showtime. And I mean finally. I thought the build up would go
on forever. They sang You Raise Me Up, Patience, Pinball Wizard, Uptown
Girl, Don’t Stop Me Now. It was like an explosion in a G4 factory (RIP
G4).

Despite the fact that we were shown the audience being given voting
forms, and the Maestro took the ballot box home with him, the judges
were shown making the decision once again. My curly fave was through -
yes! They judges still couldn’t decide and so seven Josephs had to
“sing for survival, accompanied by the Lord himself.” Heh.

Ezra was out. Was it because he’s black? Well, yeah, probably. Because
if they cast a black Joseph, they’d end up with an almost entirely
black cast (since it mostly consists of Joseph’s family) and I don’t
imagine that’s the direction they want to go. Which I thought probably
didn’t bode well for the Asian guy, Johndeep … except they put him
through.

And do you know Chris B, the presumably gay guy with the really white
teeth (back left wearing lilac in the accompanying Gayest Photo of All Time)? Well either I’ve met him or I’ve seen him on something else.
Does anyone know if he’s been on something else? Or indeed if I’ve met
him? Thanks.

Seemingly endless, drawn-out preliminaries finally over, I’m looking
forward to the live shows where there will no doubt be even more
weeping. Honestly, they were all blubbing all the time. Was there this
much crying on the Maria show? Won’t it be funny if dark, curly guy -
who is currently an understudy in Phantom – wins it? No?

Related posts: Any Dream Will Do Week 1

Any Dream Will Do: BBC One, Saturday 14th April at 8.25pm and 9.45pm