“Lord Andrew’s back and this time it’s personal.” Because, you see, Joseph and His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat was the show that launched Andrew Lloyd Webber’s career almost 40 years ago.

Any Dream Will Do began with a recap of the whole How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria business – including a clip of Lloyd Webber sobbing at the premiere – to remind us of how successful that show was and encourage us to make this one a success too.

This was followed by an extended advert for Lord Webber – who presenter
Graham Norton continually and brilliantly referred to as “The Lord”,
i.e. “Literally saved by the Lord.” “A visit from the Lord.” “That
decision is up to the Lord.” – as he trawled the nooks and crannies of
the country trying to find raw talent. The Lord claims he’s looking for
a cross between Justin Timberlake and “Michael Jackson in the old
days”. Now how tempting a prospect is that? Erm…

Next were X Factor style regional auditions along with clips of good
and really bad performers. Actually it was more like the original
Popstars series (the one that resulted in Hear’Say – Noel, where are
you?). You know, potential Josephs at home with their families talking about
how much it means to them to try and get us emotionally involved. Like
the sweet, but stupid-haired Irish boy called Nick Parks who was raised
by his grandparents who cried talking about Nick’s “gift”. That kind of
thing.

So after “scouring the length and breadth of Britain” (the voiceover
was a drinking game – are you with me?
- of Bullshit Bingo cliches: “cut the tension with a knife” anyone?)
they were left with 100 man-boys invited to a callback in London in
front of the judging panel. John Barrowman (who, after his Eurovision
disappointment,
Justin Hawkins brilliantly described as “the one out of Dr Who who
looks like a fat Tom Cruise”), vocal coach Zoe Tyler, theatre
impresario Bill Kenwright (who I think I’m distantly related to …
although I might be mixing him up with Willy Russell) and star of stage
and The Big Breakfast Denise Van Outen.

The judges were clearly enjoying themselves (to the point of a bit of
sexual harrassment by the two women – did they ask the potential Marias
to lift their tops up last year?) and their knock-backs were
encouraging rather than devastating: “At this particularl moment in
time … you’re just not Joseph.”

There was the occasional cringe-making moment. After one guy was turned
down, his girlfriend led him back out and asked them to let him try
again. The shame. He still didn’t go through, but she got to testify to
his passionate nature on TV, so no doubt he’s happy. Of course, there
was the obligatory fat bloke who they had to put through to prove they
weren’t discriminating. Yes, he had a great voice, but there’s no way
he’s going to be Joseph. Maybe the baker. (Have you seen the show? If
not, there’s a baker in it. And he’s fat.)

With only one remaining place, The Lord turned up at the auditions. One
guy the judges were unsure of got Webber’s seal of approval and,
hearing this, three failures ambushed him at his office, demanding to
audition. Yes, apparently it’s that easy to get an audience with The
Lord. You just turn up and he has to let you sing for him because,
well, “you’re here now.” No, it’s for a bit of tension. One of them’s
going through, but they wouldn’t tell us who to make sure we watch next
week. Otherwise, what’s to stop us just waiting until we’re down to the
final 12, eh?

So now the 50 Joseph school students will be whittled down to 20, who
will go to Webber’s  castle and perform for him and his friends and
then – finally! – 12 will appear on the live show for us viewers to
vote on.

I absolutely loved Any Dream Will Do – can you tell? It made me laugh
and cry (a little bit, the real weeping will start in the later
episodes, I imagine) and it had hot boys and songs (“For I know I shall
find! My own peace of mind!”). What more could you want on a Saturday
night? Really, tell me. I don’t know, I never go out.

Any Dream Will Do: BBC One, Saturday 7 April, 7.45pm