The Apprentice (BBC1, Wednesday, 9pm). Ugly TV with a thorn stuck in its paw. In fact, it’s quite fitting that I should use that analogy as the ‘star’ of the show, Alan Sugar, looks and sounds like a shaved bear.

In fact, I’ve heard that there are pictures of Sugar up and tree trying to steal honey from a hive. Of course, I could be lying there. Anyway, The Apprentice is back on our screens and scraps abound.

The format of The Apprentice is a simple on. It’s a job interview that goes on for weeks. Only one person can be successful and take up a place sat on Uncle Alan’s knee. This means some people get binned off with the now famous "You’re fired" tagline of the show. Tasks are set, budgets smashed up, tears shed and feathers ruffled. All in the name of greed (and TV).

Quite why this show makes for such compulsive viewing is hard to fathom. We all know that business and go-getters are the most slimy, ruthless and repugnant characters in the world. So to watch one of the most successful horror-bags in the world casting an evil wand over some wannabe slimeballs should surely make every person in Britain recoil with pure hatred. Like most reality TV shows, we don’t watch the people for what they do… rather… for what they fail in. We, as a nation, love to watch people make fools of theirselves. We’re cruel. We want to see some cocky young upstart get a royal dressing down. We want blood. Obviously, we’re not allowed gladiatorial sports anymore, but our thirst for blood hasn’t lessened. Until they stick some minotaurs on our screens, we’ll have to put up with Dragon’s Den and The Apprentice. [Mof Gimmers]