Yesterday I tried my best to tell you what was happening during the evening they call Comic Relief. I tried not to sound too cynical – the charity marathon (or charathon) does, after all, raise huge amounts of cash for charities and projects at home and abroad – but to some the idea of sitting through a whole evening of celebrities looking mightily pleased with themselves is as entertaining a prospect as being hit over the head repeatedly with a snooker ball in a sock.

So there are some of you out there that require, nay demand, an evening of alternatives, an evening that contains precisely no celebrities shouting at you all bludgeoning you to TV death. Me? I’d rather tape the evening, fast forward the Chris Evans and Davina McCall bits and weedle out the funny sketches, and then donate myself, wherever it may be. Anyway… I’ve had a good look through the listings for Friday 16 March and this is what I’ve found…

Let’s do this by hour, it’ll be much easier.

Comic Relief starts at seven, and over on BBC4 at the same time is, strangely, Top Of The Pops. But not just any episode of TOTP, oh no. It’s the Christmas special from 1997. Eternal, Hanson, Natalie Imbruglia and The Spice Girls are all in it, proving that it really was better back in the day. Or not, depending on your opinion.

At 8pm you have a good choice. Channel 4 is wisely sticking to its guns and showing an evening of Ugly Betty repeats until 11.05pm, starting with the Thanksgiving episode that sees Wilhelmina cook a turkey. Or at least try to. If you’re not an Ugly Betty fan, there’s an episode of A Touch Of Frost on ITV1 that sees the moody, monosyllabic one held at gunpoint, a Territorial soldier shot dead and a security van robbed. Busy night then. E4 has a double bill of Friends, BBC4 has All Mod Cons, which looks at British home design over the last 50 years, while Discovery is airing Everest: Beyond The Limit, which documents a two-month expedition to the top of the bad boy. Expect poo and fan to meet on many occasions in this Touching The Void-style doc. American Idol on ITV2 sees Diana Ross make a guest-warbling appearance, while our last eight o’clock option is on five and is called The Darkside of Hippoes. ‘Nuff said.

Moving on to the nine o’clock slot, five has another ep of NCIS, E4 has My Name Is Earl and Peep Show, and you can catch the last dregs of kidnapped thriller Red Eye, starring Cillian Murphy and Rachel McAdams, over on Sky Movies 1. The hilariously gory Starship Troopers follows at 9.30pm. Cult virtual reality classic Tron (how much did I love this film when I was a kid exactly?) starts on SciFi at nine too, as does the not-bad sci-fi film Gattaca on Sky One.

From 10 onwards, there’s Florida Beached on ITV1, which investigates the property crash in, erm, Florida, and Al Murray’s Happy Hour welcomes Louis Walsh and Penny Lancaster to the bar at 11pm. Kidnapped and Scrubs are on E4, while its big brother, Channel 4, carries on with Ugly Betty until 11.05pm, when Balls of Steel takes over. Straight after that there’s a Muse video exclusive-type-thingy. While we’re talking about the Channel 4 family, there’s Live From Abbey Road over on More4 from 11, featuring Corinne Bailey Rae and other middle-of-the-road-style artists. And on Film Four, legendary sci-fi scarer Alien starts at 10.45pm. The last show I want to mention is five’s Size Matters – Celebrties On The Scales. The channel has already had The Dark Side of Hippoes earlier in the evening… is this the sequel?

Right, my head is about to burst with too much telly, so I hope this has helped those that would rather rub nettles on the soles of their feet than watch Comic Relief. Me? I need to go and have another lie down.