Kevin McCloud. A man whose smug is beyond compare. In fact, it is rumoured that his smug is getting its own show. His smug is so large that it can be seen from space… go to Google Earth and type it in. I’m telling you… it’s there.

McCloud (and his smug) present Grand Designs (Channel 4, Wednesdays, 9pm). Now, this is the second time I’ve seen this show. In fact, both times I’ve viewed this, it has been back-to-back with Relocation, Relocation. Obviously, I’m not hoping that you’d be thrilled about my viewing habits, but rather, giving you an indication of how unlikely it is that I was ever going to like this show. First you sit through some morons ignoring experts advice, then you have to deal with the huge smuggery. It was always doomed wasn’t it?

Last night, again, I found myself watching a show that seemed to fit no real purpose. I’m not certain, but I’m pretty certain that I’m representative of your average schmuck on the street. Last time I checked (by that I mean took a walk outside with my eyeballs and ears open) the nation didn’t seem to be chattering about architecture. Although, now you mention it, I do recall an old lady cooing at a hanging basket last week… but I’m not sure that counts as she could have been completely blind.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, The Smug. I sat, full of food and tea, helpless against McCloud and his sidekick. He floated around, ghoul-like, fawning over Limecrete. Oh! LIMECRETE! It’s like concrete… but greener! Christ. I nearly shat! McCloud (who I’ve just been told is "the Vincent Price of property development") peered around corners rubbing himself up against awnings and the like. He sprayed his scent on the corners of the house, all the while having mini orgasms about things being "functional and forgiving" or something.

Mewing about how green this particular house was, I couldn’t help but feel that he was missing a trick. To be truly green, wouldn’t it be better to move into a cave? Better still, don’t build a house that needs a load of JCBs and the like. Idiots. Although, I will concede that doing it my way would make a mockery of the show. Imagine McCloud creeping alongside someone moving some boxes and waxing lyrical about the design of the No Frills card… and blah blah. [Mof Gimmers]