Sometimes, I look into Nicky Hambleton-Jones’ eyes and die inside. I actually die. Her icy glare is enough to make my organs freeze, and thus, I end up in some odd suspended animation for the duration of 10 Years Younger (Channel 4, Thursday, 8pm) unable to even shake a furious fist.

So, frozen to the spot, I endured yet another so-called expert and their sly bullying, and here I am again, like a coiled sponge, ready to vent spleen. Obviously, the premise of the show is the same as it always is. Get person who feels ugly. Make person feel even worse about themselves. Spin them around and around and around until they don’t know who or what they are and then plonk them in front of a mirror and watch them weep confused tears. Simple really. I reckon I could do it. I can be a real bastard when I want to be…

This week, the unfortunate, was a woman who basically looked fine apart from some bags under her eyes. Of course, the evil Nick’ (isn’t one of the Devil’s monikers something rather similar? No. I don’t mean George Spiggot from Bedazzled) isn’t happy until she’s torn the poor participant to shreds. Of course, I couldn’t review 10 Years Younger without mentioning the birth of the bullying. The mass general public bullying that is. Like every week, Nicky thrust the poor bag eye woman onto the street and faced them toward a bunch of brainless morons. Hambleton-Jones gleefully squeals "How old do you think this lady is?" Of course, the tone of her voice and death stare tell the public what they ought to be thinking. What she’s really saying is "Look at this poor wretched soul. A sorry excuse for a human don’t you agree? Why, if she was something I found on the sole of my very expensive shoe, I’d still think that it was a particularly ugly piece of excrement. Now, agree with me mortal." Then, a flurry of frightened "She looks like Mumm-ra from Thundercats".

What is amusing is, that you don’t have to watch it through your fingers and gasp at how cruel the whole thing is. You can actually put yourself through it on a massive international scale. How? Well, as the programme informed us (almost like it was a fun thing to do) you can join in by uploading your face to their website whilst people tell you how pig ugly you are. Click here to have a go yourself, or like me, you can upload pictures of Z list celebrity portraits. You can get some good ones from here.

Anyway, predictable as ever, she got her teeth hammered out, botox, her face pulled so tight that, during the operation, they actually pulled it over her ears, and some new clothes. Wowzers. What was new about this week was the mind bending drugs given to the participant. Now, I’ve heard that the US Army tested Agent Orange and LSD on soldiers to see what happened, and if they were anything like this poor woman, then Vietnam must have been horrific. As she sat in the dentist’s chair, her mouth prised open with blue rubber things, she began to babble. "Oooh. Nicky picked me a horrible top. Didn’t she?" and "La-la-la… I’ll… spish… gurgle." It was horrendous to watch a woman go through some kind of drug induced breakdown live on telly. It was in no way sinister when the annoying voice over quipped "It’s alright! She won’t remember a thing!" Aye, and I bet you’ve got one of her kidneys travelling across some sandy border in a cooler box right now you dirty twister!

I’m not telling you what happened at the end of the show because that’s the boring bit. In short, I hate this show and for some inexplicable reason, I keep watching it. Damn you Hambleton-Jones… and damn your mind ray as well. Before I know it, someone will keep cutting back to me, and I’ll be overtly nodding in an over sincere manner… just like Nicky.  [Mof Gimmers]