I’ve done it again. I’ve ended up watching the loathsome Gillian McKeith (You Are What You Eat: Gillian Moves In, Channel 4, 8pm) again. This means I’ve woken up with an unhealthy amount of bile to unload on you, my dear reader. Gillian McKeith is most certainly the person who makes me most angry on the telly… more-so than every Big Brother housemate put together (yes, that includes Brian Dowling, Leo Sayer and  Bubble).

For those of you who don’t know what Gillian McKeith is up to at the minute, she’s running a show which gets two desperate fatties, throws them into a house together and McKeith moves in. Where once she visited them at home, and presumably buggered off to a hotel at the end of the day, Gillian can now stalk her prey for four whole weeks without rest. I’ve said it before and I’ll certainly say it again, this show has much in common with Hansel and Gretel (click here to see me explain).

On with last night’s vile-cast. Gillian housed two women who were portly. I say portly… one was fat and the other was morbidly obese. They both had ridiculous diets which defied belief. Both were making themselves ill and making their future decidedly perilous (with the threat of diabetes and heart problems). This in itself is blindingly obvious. The viewer doesn’t need a so-called expert to tell them that. Real doctors say it on TV all the time. What was that? McKeith is a doctor? No she isn’t, she bought a PhD and is widely regarded in the science world as ‘a fraud’ (click here for further reading). That fact in itself is bad, but is far from being her worst crime. Let’s look at last night’s show (I’ll get there eventually) to look at her at her most grotesque.

Both women were given better diets for their stay. Fair enough. Gone are the burgers, in are the greens. Add some exercise and it’s pretty much common sense so far. However, what sticks in my craw are McKeith’s bullying tactics. Constant sniping and prodding shatters the participants’ confidence without a hint of irony, humour or care. This show is not about making people better. This show is about Gillian McKeith and no other. Her ego is obviously ginormous and vampire-like in its need to be fed. In this show, McKeith often uses visual aides to force home a point (a point that has often been made and understood). In the past, I’ve seen her stirring a gigantic carton of milk with a bone and creating a human out of minced meat. Last night, she outdid herself.

One lady liked to have a drink. So, McKeith got the worst-case scenario and pinpointed the lady’s innermost insecurity and tweaked it until it bled tears all over the screen. This woman used to be a beauty queen but in recent years, had let herself go, losing a husband in the process. So, caring McKeith had a make-up artist give her a make-over. Instead of making her look nice, she was painted with broken blood vessels, prematurely aged skin and an alcoholic’s nose. It was horrific to watch. The poor woman broke down immediately, saying "Why? Why would you do this to me?" Of course, Gillian stood firm (well, as firm as a frail hunch-back can stand) and said "I needed to reach inside you…" Suffice to say, some fast talking from the producers saved the lady from leaving the show (her bags were packed and she was ready for the off).

The second lady liked to eat ice-cream. So, again, without a hint of joy, McKeith took the poor woman to a graveyard where she had placed a life-sized coffin/choc-ice. I’m not kidding. A choc-ice made into the shape of a coffin. McKeith lifted the chocolate lid and tutted away until, again, this poor woman burst into tears. It turned out that the poor lady had lost her mother at twelve years old. Why McKeith didn’t go the whole hog and get the lady’s family in to stand by the coffin/choc-ice weeping over their dead wife/mother is beyond me. I can imagine it now, a child obviously trying to remember what McKeith has made him say; "I. Lost. My… Mum… because she eated the choc-ice. Now she is dead because she eated the choc-ice. I am upset." Cut to the other ‘grieving son’. "My mum has gone to see Jesus because she ate up the choc-ice. Why. Did. You… choose the choc-ice mummy I am sad." Naturally, in this dream sequence of mine, at this point, the husband would chirp up "I’m having nothing to do with this shambles…". Is it surprising that Channel 4 are allowing this woman to get away with bullying on national TV? After watching Big Brother? You must be kidding.

If you’re reading this McKeith, let it be known. Everytime I watch your show, I eat a huge pudding all to myself. Last night was no exception. As I ate a mouthful, I would imagine me forcing cake down your throat and yelling "TAKE THAT McKEITH! HOW D’YA LIKE IT NOW?! IT WON’T KILL YOU! NOT AS PART OF A BALANCED DIET!!!," all the while fashioning a twisted McKeith styled doll from bile (purely as a visual aide of course). The difference is that I’m not cruel enough to actually go through with that farcical situation… but McKeith is. And she does it on national TV too. [Mof Gimmers]