I won't lie to you. I'm no expert on ER. However, I watched an episode of it last night, and I got the impression that it was the first in the series... which is to be shown on Channel 4 tonight.

So, because I'm kind to you and don't want to spoil your fun, I'll advise that, if you continue reading this article, you will read spoilers that will ruin your evening. You've been warned.

As I said, I'm no expert on ER, so if I get names wrong and storylines mixed up, please refer to my lack of knowledge... oh, and once again, this contains spoilers, so look away if you don't want to know what happens in tonight's show.

ER is something I've never really watched. Medical dramas don't tend to get my pulse racing... however, after watching it last night, it seemed that I had acquired an almost deep knowledge of previous cast members like when I pointed at a bloke called Kovac and quipped "Is he the new Benson then?" to my viewing accomplice. Of course, I meant the slightly over serious and depressing eyes character of the show. Well, last night I witnessed an impossibly grim programme that was as far fetched as, say, A Clockwork Orange.

It's quite apt that I should choose A Clockwork Orange as a likeness for ER. Why? Well, both of these feature funny words that you may not recognise but, due to tone and pitch of word, you kind of get what they mean when spoken. Both also feature mainly white clothes spattered with blood... and not to mention ultra-violence. Now, with ER doing exactly what it says on the tin... and that is a drama that is set in an emergency room, you're always going to get high drama. Add the personal lives of the doctors and you have something that could easily run for another twenty years as a successful programme. I imagine working in a hospital to be pretty grim, but to work in this particular place... well... you must be insane.

In short, last night show started off with a jolly shoot-out which saw half the cast getting beat-up and bloody. The fat guy who works behind the reception thing (apologies for that vague description) gets himself all shot at and bleeds everywhere. Kovac somehow ends up paralysed with a big tube down his throat. Abby, who anyone who has ever watched this programme surely adores, ends up falling down onto her pregnant stomach. Some blond girl... I'll check her name on a search engine now... Samantha... gets taken hostage by (from what I can gather) her ex-boyfriend or husband. Oh, and their son was trussed up with gaffer tape in the back of a van too. Happy days already eh? Well... all this happened before the theme tune had even kicked in.

In short, what followed was the most depressing sequence of events ever shown on British television. The lovely Abby nearly dies in child birth, the baby (a boy) nearly dies in labour too. Kovac goes mental and starts smashing things up... broken up by his crying (understandable) and gagging (due to the thing being shoved down his throat at the close of the last series). Samantha gets caught up in a copchase with her hostages. Samantha's ex, unhinged, ends up murdering (we think) the other two hostage takers before raping Samantha. The fat bloke (c'mon Google... nope, no joy) nearly dies on the operating theatre table and to close the show off, Samantha is seen post rape, firing three shots into her sleeping ex's direction (off camera) with next week's story alluding to her cries of 'self defence'. I'm not sure what city ER is based in, but never ever go there for life is perpetually grim. Unfortunately, I might get hooked on this implausible enjoyable trash. [Mof Gimmers]