I've seen some bilge on TV, but Nanny 911 (ITV2, Saturdays, 3.40pm) is up there with the best/worst of the them. The basic premise of the show is to copy Supernanny. Get unruly kids, and throw a no-nonsense nanny in with them, like throwing an unpinned grenade amongst some pigeons. I

n Nanny 911, you have some key differences. Firstly, and most obvious, you don't have Jo Frost. Instead of having a homely (read slightly plump) cockney, they've gone for a Northerner. This lass is called 'Nanny Stella'. Now, Nanny Stella (they don't deserve surnames on this show it would seem), is all 'tater hash and straight talking. Another key difference with this show is the apparent and flippant use of 911. Of course, we all know what 911 now alludes to in the US, so seemingly, the show's creators are making a tasteless pun about kids being just like those pesky terrorists. If 911 is that easy to sort out, then maybe Nanny Stella should go over to the middle east with a nice pie and some pickled beetroot?

Digging a lit deeper into the programme, it would seem that they've got a fair few Nannies, all English, and all dressed up like Mary Poppins (if you follow this link, and scroll down, you can see them all in their terrible glory). In fact, our American cousins aren't afraid to really push the Poppins theme. In the official site blurb, they quip "Nanny 911 follows an experienced Head Nanny and her team of "specialist" nannies, who know that it takes more than a spoonful of sugar to get unruly tykes in line. Armed with the dos and don'ts of child-rearing and possibly an umbrella or two, the English uber-nannies aren't afraid to crack the whip on everything from appalling table manners to raging temper tantrums. The nannies will help exhausted parents tackle the chaos in their home and work their incredible "Mary Poppins"-like magic to transform the terrible tots." Why, it's enough to make you weep.

In one section of the show, children are seen to throw Nanny Stella from the roof of their house in an attempt to see if she can fly. Obviously, Nanny Stella just falls like an anvil and is later seen sobbing, drunk, in a carpark with both of her legs in casts and sporting a neckbrace. To be fair to you, I better tell you that I'm completely making that up. However, the pushing of Poppins grates after about 3 seconds. In one (genuine) segment of the show, we see Nanny Stella blocking the door with her ample frame whilst sighing at a clearly unhappy child. Y'see, the child in question has a father who is a soldier, and every time he leaves the house, the toddler obviously thinks she'll never see her dad again. It sounds pretty fair and understandable to me. Not so for Nanny Stella who huffs and puffs with all the disinterest of a sulking (hulking) teenager. Perhaps sitting the child down and explaining things would have been better, or isn't that no-nonsense enough?

In short, ITV2 have picked up an absolute turkey here, and anyone seriously enjoying this show would do well to remember that there is a whole world out there... a world that is far better than watching a fat woman from Burnley dishing up grief to an unsuspecting toddler.[Mof Gimmers]