You can't win with a show like Goldplated. I was tempted to avoid a review because by merely watching it, you fall into a trap. If you like it, Channel 4 are happy. If you think it's trash, Channel 4 will probably nod along knowingly. If you despise it, well, Channel 4 will probably wink at you and tell you that you're supposed to hate the vacuous characters in the show. So what on Earth am I doing playing their games? Christ knows, but I'm in this article too deep already...

To be honest, I had no intention of watching Goldplated. The trailer for it made me feel a bit ill (lots of dripping gold and writhing) and it looked a bit like Footballer's Wives. Well, the surprise of what I'm about to tell may knock you completely over. It's exactly like Footballer's Wives. Here, let me help you up from the floor... are you alright?

Yep, Goldplated is Channel 4's blatant attempt to get in on this post modernist guff that is showing a programme that you know is bad. The ingredients are as follows. Erect nipples through skimpy tops, some villainous types, murky backgrounds, affairs, people only talking through pouts, people only talking through gritted teeth and very loose fitting storylines. In fairness, I could stop my review right there, but I won't as you'll no doubt feel like you've been ripped off by me and my laziness.

Last night, apart from what I've already mentioned, I saw someone commit suicide, someone cry (and subsequently go off the rails hounded by the press), some underhand business deal, a girl waking up from a coma with a sinister chap stood over her doing the classic 'hug' with 'the afterlook'. In fact, one plus of this terrible programme is the use of the Great British Soap 'afterlook'. The afterlook is when someone hugs someone, or says something to a person, then the camera zooms in on their face to reveal hidden trouble. Like the face you pull when someone says something idiotic and you're trying to work it out without giving the game away... or throw an insult in their face.

Basically, you really don't need me to tell you what kind of show this is. It's about posh people in Cheshire (glamorous eh?) getting up to no good and generally being spoiled wretches. You'll love it, or hate it and watch it anyway. [Mof Gimmers]