What am I missing? People keep on telling me how funny Sean Lock is, but I'm still missing the gags... and the wit... and the comedy timing... and any notion of inventiveness... in his appearances on the dismal 8 Out of 10 Cats. I've been made aware that Lock wrote a thing which was apparently very funny, but I haven't seen it so why should I care? On the strength of this show, he's about as funny as... well... Dave Spikey and Jimmy Carr (that's not a compliment by the way)

I've watched 8 Out of 10 Cats far more frequently than I'd like over the past year, and still I fail to see why people laugh at it. First, I just assumed that I was some terrible grump, but then I realised that I'd watched the show with about a dozen people (not at once you understand) and they had also failed to raise even a grin during viewing. Before you say it, my pals are no way close to being as mean spirited as me and are in fact kind souls (why they put up with me is a different matter altogether), so their non giggling is some kind of half baked proof for me that I am in fact right about this programme.

Friday's show had Johnny Vegas on, who you can usually have a chuckle at, even if you're just laughing at his drunken buffoonery. Even Vegas seemed subdued amongst the tiresome trio of Spikey, Carr and Lock. Ulrika Jonsson seemed to treat her appearance like a proper gameshow, trying to answer questions correctly without quip. Krishnan Guru-Murthy, the presenter from Channel 4 news, also made an appearance, and he couldn't get a bleedin' word in, so had to put up with occasionally being edited in laughing at some remark made by Johnny Vegas. These, as I see it, are definite clues as to the whereabouts of the jokes in this show (ie, they aren't there).

You see, what makes a show like this is people who are able to come up with a lightning fast response to a statement. A fine example of this would be Bill Bailey. He can shoot you down and he can go off on wild tangents which are certain to make you snort snot bubbles of laughter. However, '...Cats' is lumped with Dave Spikey who, as everyone knows, is the person you hire when you can't afford to get Peter Kay on your show. What makes me wince in particular is his use of "It reminds me of this fella who I saw in the paper from Chorley..." I grew up near Spikey's hometown, and he's a liar... and not even a funny one at that. I don't know if you've noticed this either, but Spikey always looks like he's on the brink of tears.

Apart from my puzzlement at Spikey and Lock, whom I don't hate by any stretch of the imagination, but merely don't find them funny, is my genuine loathing of Jimmy Carr. What is Jimmy Carr? A comedian? Not in a million years. Comedians are witty, funny and quick. Carr is a wooden posho with feeds coming from a control room manned by Bernie Clifton and Dawn French. "Say 'kiddie fiddler'... it'll make you seem cutting edge." You may think I'm over egging it, but I'm really not. Carr's delivery of 'risque' jokes couldn't even be described as deadpan. It's smug, and smug aint cool. In fact, his whole demeanour is so planned and staid that it's more like watching 'Faking It' with some cheese ranger from a boarding school pretending to be a comic. He's learned all the things that a comic does... apart from the funny jokes bit. If 8 Out of 10 Cats prefer Whiskers, then that only leaves two watching this terrible excuse for a panel show. [Mof Gimmers]