Ah, my old adversery. We meet again. That’s right! It’s time to cross swords with a withery old Scottish food hooligan! It’s Mof Gimmers versus Gillian McKeith (part 309)! Whilst looking for an image to accompany my article, I stumbled across this hideous monstrosity. The ‘Doctor’s’ very own ‘Horny’ formula (complete with ‘goat weed complex’). If that isn’t enough to shatter the lead in your pencil, then let You Are What You Eat finish you off.

Before anyone starts moaning, I do think it’s a good idea that people should eat healthily. I really do. If I had kids, I’d hope that they would go for a Laxton’s Superb rather than a kebab. What I wouldn’t do is make a life sized model of my child out of exploded arteries and bellow "THAT YOU THAT IS! EVEN THINKING ABOUT FAST FOOD CAN MADE YOU DIE! YOU OINKING IDIOT!" I wish I was over egging this particular pudding, but last evening, TV reached a new depth when Gillian McKeith fashioned a 13 stone human from cheap mince meat to prove a point to a young girl who had already seen the point being made. Evil and unnecessary.

The unfortunate sod faced with the grimacing Scot was an 18 year old girl who weighed 18 stone. In fairness, she ate around three (cheap) burgers a day, coupled with packets of crisps, booze and bags of chips. The show started with McKeith hiding around the side of a car, waiting for Katie to come home. When the girl arrived, Gillian popped out and launched into a torrent of abusive garbage. If you could bottle what came out of her mouth, you could interrogate terrorist suspects with it.

When Katie and McKeith had their first chat, Katie agreed that her diet was appalling and wanted to change. McKeith, unsympathetic as ever went for the jugular. "SORT IT OUT!" then to the parents "YOU’RE HARDLY SLIM ARE YOU?!??!" bradishing an entire family as "disgusting" for millions of people to see on TV. Thanks Gill’, you’re a great help. Katie, the ‘star’ of the show had a well deserved fit. "What do you want me to say? I know it’s disgusting? I’ve already said I want to change! I know it’s shit, but what more can I say?!?!" Obviously clueless, McKeith returned with "And now she’s sulking". I’ve never wanted to punch through my screen so much in my whole life.

This is where my main problem lies. Ok, ‘Doctor’ Gillian got the result she wanted. Katie lost nearly 3 stone. Great. Well done Gillian. I think she actually lost about 17 stone as she comfort ate through the overblown McKeith induced stress, and worried the rest of the weight off. I would have thought that a bit of TLC with a bit of push’n'shove would have been the nicer thing to do… but like McKeith cares about that. She’d probably dismiss these comment and glibly throw ‘tough love’ my way.

Well ok, two can play at that game. I propose to make a programme that seeks to rectify the problems of overbearing idiotic hunchbacked joyless witches who pick on defenceless people with psychological problems by shouting at them and hitting them with a novelty shaped squeaky toy until they give in. Naturally, I would never say that about someone, and written down, it look awful and overly mean… but this is precisely what Gillian McKeith has based her entire career on. Cruelty. Whereas I’m now wracked with guilt about what I’ve just written, you get the impression McKeith just walks away thinking about how great the whole thing is. It would be very interesting if a psychologist could look into this show, and investigate the aftermath of being ‘McKeith’ed’. I’d like to stop watching this show… but then I feel she’d be winning.[Mof Gimmers]