I found myself watching Hollyoaks again yesterday (and the fifty days before that… but no matter) and wondered what I was doing with my life. This bloke here (pictured) is called Chris Fountain and he plays Justin. If Mr Fountain can call himself an actor, then surely I can call myself a genius. Why? Let me explain.

Justin’s character is constantly ‘troubled’. Trouble with the law, strife in school, recently deceased twin sisters, violence… oh, and got his leg over with his teacher (Becca, mozzarella eyeballs) and now lives with her… and her sister (same year at his school) and her hippy-ish boyfriend. Becca is preggers with Justin’s baby, they’ve got no money, and Justin has managed to convince her to marry him (of which she’s very unhappy about).

With all this trouble and drama, you’d hope for some sterling performances. However, Chris Fountain is a trickle of an actor. Sadly, he can only manage one face (and that I’m afraid is a slightly dumb looking one). When he’s happy, his face looks simple. When he’s sad… ditto. In fairness to the lad, he does angry quite well, as well as ‘stroppy teenager’. However, his voice is more monotone than a sleepy smack head. You could easily nod off whilst he’s saying "We. Can. Do. It. Becca… we managed. To. Make it. Work when… everyone was…. against us."

Like all good soaps, you know what’s coming around the corner. Justin is about to be royally dumped, and Becca is to get back together with Jake (hit and run killer). Out of the frying pan (on a low heat admittedly) and into a two bar heater. The clue to this reunion is the fact that Jake will inevitably sort his life out, and woo Becca all over again (who’s mother is about to re-enter her life, and find out about her terrible state of affairs) and, more importantly, Jake and Becca can still be seen kissing in the opening credits. We’ve all just got to sit tight and will it to happen! Naturally, aside from all my scoffing, I’ll be glued to the box with my fingers crossed.

Oh, and one last thing. Has anyone else noticed that, for a teen-drama, Hollyoaks has got the un-coolest music you’ve ever heard?[Mof Gimmers]

Hollyoaks, every weekday, Channel 4, 6.30pm