Sometimes TV makes me so very very angry. Last night I feel I may have been asking for it. Why? I opted to spend an evening with Five… and boy, do they know which buttons to push. My journey into despair started with the terrible ‘Teen Tamer‘ which followed an open mouthed family of bovine and an irate bully called Lorrine Marer. Unfortunately, the bully in question wasn’t the teen that needed to be tamed, but the ‘radical behaviour expert’ of the show.

Basically, the show revolved around a family with a chavvy daughter. The title of this particular episode was ‘Over-Sexed and Under-Age’ to give you a clue to procedings. Gemma Johnson, the ‘star’ of the show, was essentially a bone idle, potty mouthed clap-trap who liked to have it away with loads of lads We all knew one or two of this sort at school… except Gemma hadn’t been to school for 18 months, but you get the idea. Well, Gemma’s mother didn’t know what to do. Neither did Gemma’s step-dad (who was, incidentally built like a whippet and sporting a fine yellowed darts moustache). In their attempts to deal with their troublesome daughter, he shouted at her (quite ferociously) and she had conversations that went something like this.

Gemma – "Can I have some money?"
Mum – "No"
Gemma – "YES!"
(cue no/yes/no/yes/no/yes)
Mum – "Okay then…"

It would seem that this poor poor woman had a spine made out of boiled cabbage. So they got the ‘expert’ in! So, Lorrine ‘Night’ Marer turned up and basically shouted at the family until they complied. What was startling about the tactic was Marer’s use of swear-words. She took the step-dad of the show onto some fields and acted like a spoiled teenager (on purpose I’ll add) and revelled in turning the air blue. Enough to make a sailor blush I tell you. So stomping around the family and their grounds, Marer left herself the uneviable task of sorting out the whole family in 3 days. Not a month or two. 3 whole days. In one toe curling segement, Marer took the mother of the family and stood her on a park pointing at a soiled mattress and a spent condom. ‘Mum’ stood by the side of all this mayhem whilst being barked at and meekly muttering "yis… yis… a house… no? A mattress… yis"

Basically, by becoming a human equivalent to electric shock treatment (stealing the family’s cigarettes and hair straighteners) she didn’t really solve any problems. She DID however, manage to get Gemma to the STD clinic (or SSD clinic as the mother called it). In short, Lorrine Marer is the new Yolande Beckles… but without the lunacy and lawsuits.[Mof Gimmers]