The US public must have tired of Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Because he’s found his way on British daytime TV in the form of The Springer
Show. As soon as the show starts, you know you’re in trouble. Where the evil
Jeremy Kyle gets mere scallies on, who inevitably end up quarrelling toward the
end of the broadcast, Jerry manages to secure the real deal oddballs from the
fringes of the British Isles.

The first person on today’s show is bona fide pile up of
errors. Firstly, her girth. Let’s say it is more than ample. So much so that
she needs a NHS metal cane to hobble along with. Her, hair, a greasy mop of
receding menk, does little to detract from the fact she has no teeth. Instead
of the much impersonated “So I married a bull seal”, Springer is tackling a
‘family at war’, and this grotesque guest claims that her four daughters all
despise her. She had to declare herself bankrupt after an outstanding £849 debt
from one of her sprogs. Unfortunately, the knee jerk reaction is to snigger.
£849 does not a fortune make. Being fair, nobody would like to lose that amount
of money though.

Between the storming off stage, raised voices and ensuing
interventions from Jerry’s notorious security guards, the programme is cut up
with weird ‘reconstructions’. An actor sits in a darkened room and recounts a
tale of… well… a rubbish life. These recon’s are in no way linked to the
problems on the show, so these little snippets are just plain confusing.

One thing that is noticeable about the new improved Springer
is that, as ever, he’s mellow, and has the occasional witty retort (making
light of a comment involving sticking ‘your’ money up ones ‘arse’… “I usually
keep mine in a wallet”) is that these people that he’s found are incredibly
odd. The mum of the family can’t actually say that she loves her kids. Now, she
wonders why she has unruly kids. Yesterday’s show had gravel voice banshees
screaming at each other from the word go (with a highly impressive beep count)
over a DNA test (Oh! The wonders of DNA testing on TV!), near fights, people
spitting blood… the works. Today’s Springer is more placid and understanding.
For a tiny second, I’m sucked in and felt sad… then I remembered Jerry Springer
–The Opera.[Mof Gimmers]

The Springer Show, everyday, ITV1 11.35am