by Mof Gimmers

Footballers Wives is, quite simply, one of the oddest things on TV. And one of the most honest. This is a programme unabashed in its attempts to get people gossiping around the drinks machine at work, and flash fleshy bits for all those lonely teen lads out there, hiding away in their rooms with the sound down.

It's dreadful. Of course, that aint news to anyone. However, it seems to have been running for years now, and certainly seems to have a high turn over in the cast.

A recent appearance from Joan Collins (believe it or not) saw the 'super bitch' taking on TV's newest challenger to the throne. Tanya Turner (pictured) is the manipulating, ruthless and general swine brained lynchpin of the show.

Last night, we saw Tanya, played by Zoe Lucker, hosting some kind of weird party which saw all the characters dressed up in brilliant eye scorching colours and feathers. After a typically crass move, some kid tries to plant one on Tayna, and it all kicks off in the campest possible way.

Cue Paulo Bardosa. Apparently, Bardosa has had a bit of a weird time of it. As a boy, he was locked up in a kennel in his homeland (Brazil) and was 'disfigured'. After being groomed by someone or other, he became a star footballer and, according to the official FW site, "sexually sophisticated – he knows women and he knows how to touch them. He exerts his physical strength but does it in a tender way coupled with a welcome attention to detail."

That said, he spent the majority of last night shouting "I'VE BEEN BAD MUMMY! CARLOS BEEN BAAAAD!" To which the doting Tanya says "You're acting like a tit". Can't say fairer than that can you?

Of course, there was another storyline going on. One bloke, portraying a blind person... badly... as he kept 'looking around', something that the nature of blindness won't let you do... ends up trying to have a fight with an old man in a leather jacket.

Of course, this is no old man. He owns Earls Park (the featured team of ...Wives) and he is a right old sod. With his weird teddy bear fur hair, and his gruff voice, he does something so hilarious and unlikely, I actually warmed to the show. For about one hundredth of a millisecond. He pushed the blind man down a disused lift shaft. The victim? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah... all the way to the bottom... very much like Wile E. Coyote.

To sum up, Footballers Wives is rubbish.

Click here to go to the offical Footballers Wives site
A website dedicated to tittles and tattles regarding FW