"She’s a dancing queen… the fabulous Natasha Kaplinksyyy!" Oh no, no…
Tess Daly has set the bar so low that Kaplinsky seems a welcome change. But she’s still a wretched sack of pointlessness on a show whose real presenter, Terry Wogan, doesn’t need Dolly Parton’s deathmask dangling off his arm.
Kaplinsky apart, MYMU was cherishable entertainment. Many joyous games could be played. For example, jazz up the basic beer-and-scoresheets with Spot The Gay Person In The Studio Audience. Tricky, what with all the over-excited men with big muscles, square specs and sleeveless T-shirts. One chap was was positively autistic with joy, sitting bolt upright and jiggling vigorously.
After the break: The DJ Daz Files
Unlike the horrid Just the Two of Us, MYMU up revels in its absurdity. "If you were at home now would you watch this programme… out of choice?" asked a baffled Wogan of panellist and Eurovision devotee Kelly Osbourne (yes, she would).
Kelly gave inconsequential panel, along with Fearne Cotton, but neither were they particularly irritating. Unlike, say, Lulu on JTTOU. There wasn’t really a need for a panel at all, since they didn’t vote or give scores, but the presence of Bruno off Strictly Come Dancing and Jonathan Ross really upped the entertainment factor.
JR sparred beautifully with fellow ironist Wogan, and gave us a taste of what we missed on Oscar night. "We have to bear in mind," said Wossy, "the people voting for this have only just come out of caves. They’re not as sophisticated as us. They like Boombangalang-Waterloo-Congratulations–Shangalangadingdong." And on the fearful Four Story: "Four blokes at the office Christmas party doing karaoke."
Four Story and the other "group", whose name I’ve chosen to forget, were never in the running. First up was the quite extrordinary Goran Kay, a hobbit in a sharp suit who sang Europop and looked a bit middle-eastern. Purely on the strength of his appearance and his name (a bit Croatian), he should have gone through. How close he came to winning, I will never know, because I missed the results show.
All I know is that DJ Daz won it, with his snow-wash demin and schoolgirl kiddie rap, a kind of Eminem’s Toy Soldiers crossed with It’s Chico Time. (I was going to say… um no I can’t…)
The best song by far was Antony Costa’s 50s pastiche, and if anyone’s got a download I’d be much obliged. I’m a sucker for bubblegum doo-wop. Mmm-Bop is a glorious thing. And I am the only person in the world who thinks Lucky is Britney Spears’ best song.
But Anthony didn’t win either, despite looking a bit Greek, and nor did Kym Marsh, who was in fine voice and looked absolutely tremendous, like Louise Brooks (the real Lulu) with the body of Ava Gardner.
Trouble is, all the hardcore reality voters were watching the Dancing On Ice final, leaving the phone vote wide open to drunk people like my beer-and-scoresheets brethren (May 20 is marked in big red letters) and webheads who’d been worn down by months of persuasion by DJ Daz himself, a regular visitor to internet discussion boards. Canny chap couldn’t lose.
1. DJ Daz is a white man wearing snow-wash jeans and an intimidatingly short fringe. He is, therefore, perfect to represent the UK in the 51st Eurovision Song Contest.
2. His official website genuinely begins with the words: "Booyakaa… aiight!".
3. Daz’s MySpace profile lists his occupation as "bikini inspector".
4. His favourite TV shows are The Two Ronnies, Only Fools and Horses, Blackadder, The Young Ones, The Goodies, Red Dwarf, The Office (UK), EastEnders, Match of the Day, Top of the Pops and The Magic Roundabout.
* Follow Daz to Greece: Eurovision Song Contest tickets
* Eurovision Song Contest, BBC1, Saturday 20 MayJoin TVScoop on Facebook for exclusive competitions and gossip