by Mof Gimmers

As you can see, pictures of Yolande Beckles, star of 'Don't Mess with Miss Beckles', are incredibly scarce on the web. Possibly because she's in hiding after last night's first in the series.

Yolande Beckles is apparently a 'self made behavioural entrepreneur'. The programme promised a lady who "don't do middle class, liberal, blah blah blah, everything's gonna be fine...". What we got was something entirely different.

I'll admit that I was looking forward to this programme. I really was. I'd hoped it would a cross between Supernanny and Scum. I though Miss Beckles was going to be as tough as nails. No fucking about. Just BLAM! Take that prissy!

All I got was someone who was just... well... a bit annoying. More paper cut that pile driver.

With TV becoming more cruel by the second, with smug gurns coming from all corners (Celebrity Fit Club, You Are What You Eat et al), what the world needs now is love, sweet love. Not another Prima Donna thinking they know best. Failing some sweet love, some killer discipline with a good heart (see It's me or the Dog for that).

This kind of Preach-O-Vision usually has an ear. Understand the problem. Sort it out. No messin'. This is the reason why Beckles cocks up. She never ever listens. To anyone. At all. Ever. She allowed no room from individuality, growth, humanity... just one option. Buy into a wanky consumerist dream. Turning essentially alright lads who like a bit of football, some music and hopefully a fumble with a girl in a bus stop... and turning them into drones.

One mother confronts Beckles by saying "This programme isn't about Luke (her son) it's all about you! I don't feel listened to-" to which she is cut short by the ridiculous Beckles who says "I want to say something...". There's no doubt that she wants the kids to succeed, but at the expense of what? Well, everything. She actually wanted one kid to dump his girlfriend. What the f-?

So far, Beckles looks twattish, and the boys? Looking pretty okay to me. It seemed like Yolande had never had a childhood. Her daughter is only 12. She hasn't got a clue. She really hasn't. She's Catholic with a capital C.

I would have helped if this show was more like Brat Camp. Some sensible(ish) adults picking on horrible little toerags. Like I said, the lads concerned seem pretty much alright to me. It was the parents I felt were dismal excuses. Worse still, they took advice from an absolute moron. You see, what Miss Beckles lacked was just a few vital TV ingredients. Wit, charm, worldly intelligence. She throws 'grrrlfriend' into a sentence to give the impression she's earthy and real. She isn't. She's out of step and idiotic. At one point she actually said "I don't understand 'okay'..." before being told about children who are put under massive pressure to achieve perfection, who become incredibly ill. Of course, Yolande nods away like she doesn't understand one bit.

Of course, the kids involved are a bit sulky, and generally act like oiks, but really, they're teenagers for gawd's sake. What do you expect? This is an example of Yolande Beckles magic.

After her intervention, one of the boys hilariously ends up homeless. Imagine the giggles eh? Your flesh and blood. Sleeping rough. Ha-bloody-ha. Thanks a million Miss Beckles.

Of course, Beckles slaps herself on the back. She informed the viewer how the kids are all "much more confident since the start of the project". Let me point out. One left the programme due to unnecessary pressure. One is homeless. Confident? Maybe that confidence given will help the homeless teen the ability to score smack easier, and give him the confidence when begging for food.

So there you have it. Don't mess with Miss Beckles. Or she'll destroy your life.

BBC2 site