1am: They’ve written Oscar host Jon Stewart‘s name in massive lights above the stage, in case elderly members of the Academy don’t know who he is.

1.03am: Strong start from JS. "Tonight is the night we celebrate excellence in film, with me, the fourth male lead in Death to Smoochy. Rent it." But he looks more nervous than Lulu near a naked flame.

1.05am: JS’s monologue ain’t no Daily Show. Of course, it was never going to be. This is the Oscars: safer than The Queen’s Christmas Speech. If you verbally bruise a member of the Hollywood clique (saay, Jude Law), you won’t be asked back. Pull something as edgy and British as Stephen Fry hosting the Baftas ("Time, like a useful towel, presses on") and you’ll be run out of California.

1.07am: JS is managing fine, getting big laughs for gentle Bush-bashing ("Bjork couldn’t be here tonight; she was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her") from his fans in the audience (Catherine Keener, George Clooney) whilst allowing the lesser attendees to switch off and practice their "Am I bovvered?" look (Charlize Theron).

1.08am: Gay cowboy movie montage. Charlton Heston will love this.

* Best viewed drunk: The Jon Stewart Intelligence Agency
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* The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, More4, tonight at 8.30pm