Simon Cowell dropped his Star Duets idea because it was identical to this bastardisation of Strictly Come Dancing.

You don't need to be Cowell's mum to know that we'd have been better off with his show. Star Duets doesn't even exist (yet – he's taking the format to the US), but you sense that it's identical to Just the Two of Us in the way that rump steak is identical to an Asda frozen beefburger.

After the break: Right, who signed Lulu?

BBC1 has devoted huge nightly slabs of prime time to JTTOU, so they probably should have checked that the thing was fully cooked before serving. But, even with the guiltily wonderful Strictly Come Dancing as a template, the production team and presenters seem to be making it up as they go along.

It's become increasingly clear that the presenters, fresh from episode 1 of Davina McCall's car-crash chatshow, only got the gig because they're married. "Just the two of us," geddit? Vernon Kay is occasionally an appealing telly presence, but he still can't read autocue ("Let's not delay! Their agony any longer..."), and any charisma is being sucked slowly out of him by his grinning missus. Can't think how.

The judges demonstrate neatly why Sharon Osbourne is worth her half-mill pay rise. Radio 1 DJ Trevor Nelson seems a good chap and has a lovely smooth head, but he never explains his decisions. Police drummer Stewart Copeland, who now looks like the sex spawn of Hugh Laurie and Beaker from The Muppet Show, is entertainingly bonkers but makes no sense at all. Lulu needs to be drowned. Only vocal coach Cece Something offers some insight, but she is inconsistent and half-hearted with her criticisms.

Some of the judging decisions, by the panel and by the public, are baffling. Penny Smith was initially very likeable, but then she tried to sing, and turned into the Fiona 'paso doble' Phillips of the piece: excruciating to watch, a terrible reflection on a talented partner, and forever yelping the old "I have to get up at 4am to do GMTV" excuse. But every night, Penny is saved by phone votes from a public that gave Mr Blobby a number one record.

The one truly watchable/listenable pair, Matt Allwright and the epic Jocelyn Brown, were last night booted off the show. This is probably easier as a list...

Booted:

Matt Allwright & Jocelyn Brown: Splendid performances, full of joy and vigour. But it seems that people who tend to phone-vote in these things don't like big black women or men who pick on rogue traders, so Matt and Joss will sing no more.

Fiona Bruce & Alexander O'Neal: Fiona apparently sang in a band when she was at university. Could she possibly have been shagging the lead guitarist? The worst voice after Penny Smith. Tremendous limbs, though.

Gaby Roslin & Martin Fry: Neither him out of ABC nor her off The Big Bereakfast can sing very well, and were first to get the boot. This remains the one sensible judging decision of the series.

Soldiering on:

Nicky Campbell & Beverley Knight: Edelweiss gave me pain. It wasn't so much his performance as the schmaltzy speech about why he loves this vile song. And when he says the words "little girls", I feel queasy.

Penny Smith & Curtis Stigers: I take back all the bad things I've ever said, implied or thought about Curtis Stigers. The man personifies humble humanity, and he has a great singing voice. I believe there is already a Mrs Stigers. But I can wait.

Mark Moraghan & Natasha Hamilton: She's a surprisingly capable singer, despite being both a scouser and a member of Atomic Kitten. Now that Matt and Jocelyn have gone, these two should win. But they probably won't.

Sian Reeves & Russell Watson: So annoying is this Cutting It woman, a Lidl version of Rachel Griffths from Six Feet Under, that her original partner, Rick Astley, ran away and hid. Following Astleygate, producers brought in tenor Russell Watson, a man whose ego is bigger than the QE2. For the last few nights I've soothed myself to sleep with dreams of Russell, Nicky Campbell and Lulu being eaten by wolves.

Chris Fountain & Jo O'Meara: Intriguingly, the professional singer in this combo hits more bum notes than the amateur. FYI she was in S Club 7, and is the colour of easyJet. He is in Hollyoaks, and is seven.

* Just the Two of Us, BBC1, Thursday 2 March, 8pm