Underfed spendthrift Victoria Beckham, rent-a-poshgob Piers "Morgan" Moron and old ladies’ sex fantasy Simon Cowell are to judge wannabe "variety acts" in a new ITV1 talent show, presented by Paul O’Grady.

"[Posh's] career could turn around in a millisecond," said Cowell after his 15th vodka last night (unconfirmed). "The public would become more endeared to her." Hic.

* Spicefact: Geri Halliwell (yoga vintage) made up numbers on the panel of Popstars: The Rivals in 2002. So excellent was her performance that she’s hardly been off our screens since.